How long have you gone without s*x? How long have you gone without loving yourSELF??! Trigger warning on the overshare, but the point of Hey Stella as a whole is to help someone, somewhere, in some area of their healing, awakening, and becoming journey. And as awkwardly cathartic as this is putting down on paper, I hope it goes a ways to reassuring you that you are indeed not alone in the dry zone.
But this isn't just about s*x, its about feeling sexy, feeling aroused to life, feeling desire, feeling f*king anything in the proverbial bedroom of one's sacred space. And if you identify as a woman with a womb, it's in that sacral vessel where passion grows and joy abounds when it is open to intimacy and the innate intimacy of trust, love, giving, and receiving. And that is a beautiful part of being human you get to a point you can't ignore anymore. When that space within us where our creations seed is dark and gloomy, not much of anything will grow, including your truest dreams and goals....and that was certainly the case for me until I flipped the switch!
WHO EVEN IS SHE?
After so many years of repressed sexual energy, brought about by a toxic cocktail of unmet emotional needs, a controlling relationship people pleasing tendencies, high sugar intake, and a consistently high stress environment, my entire life became unrecognizable from what I had dreamed or desired it to be. My life didn't even feel like my own - I was living according to my partners most convenient version of me. And the saddest realization of all was that I was so disconnected from the vessel that was my body, and the pleasure of living within her had been wasted for so long.
As per Louise Hay's 'Your Can Heal Your Life' philosophy though, my body dutifully alerted me in a much bigger way than it ever had before. It had sent me many, many warnings in the space of a decade - from debilitating bouts of gut issues, UTI's, chronic fatigue, and big time banishment of any and all libido. The body keeps the score and mine was screaming for balance, joy, release and her home-coming!
I'M TOO MUCH & THIS WAS NEVER ENOUGH
Sadly (commonly?), I found myself increasingly less attracted to my partner even before the first year together had drawn to a close. His ego repulsed me even more as any attempts to woo him went completely unnoticed. I would rush home and would be cooking dinner in lingerie and not get so much of a second glance or thank you. I just thought it was 'normal.'
And so all my pretty little things (tender heart included) went into a box never to be seen again, and I got on with being the dutiful business partner, advisor, mentor, cleaner, cook and cheerleader for his endeavours. I was building a man blind to his blessings and I enabled it! Being an over-giver and completely putting aside my own goals to build his, I thought giving some more might do the trick and inspire him to come onto me heart-open, hold me safely in his arms and melt away my frustration that would finally render him irresistible.
But after a dusty decade together, everything about this man-child irked me so intensely and compounded my soul crushing dissatisfaction it could no longer be ignored. For the final 2 years of our relationships I asked to go to therapy and attempted to plan our long 'overdue' wedding as a last resort. I tried adjusting my communication in every which way so that he might understand even a fraction.
I ignored a street parade of red flags like this was my destiny
(spoiler alert, it absolutely was not). I was fully in my masculine
and crumbling inside trying to inspire this man to see me!
“I surrendered myself to the cages of others' expectations, cultural mandates and institutional allegiances. Until I buried who I was in order to become what I should be. I lost myself when I learned how to please.”
― Glennon Doyle
CLAWING BACK TO ME
Finally, I crumbled on the outside too, my body stepped in to save my heart and I hit rock bottom and could not get back up again. I was alone again for weeks while he was interstate working (or running in denial) and had injured my back so severely that after 2 days of crawling in agony I called an ambulance in a state of emotional, physical and somewhat spiritual meltdown. I was so far outside of my soul but so in my body's pain there was almost a state of peace in the chaotic disconnect.
I was alone and it was a blessing in bleak disguise. I could finally affirm to my inner people pleasing, 'good-girl' child that it was time to do me and put myself first, no matter the consequences.
And so began an intense acceleration of my awakening that is still reverberating change in my life 3 years later. From waking up at 2am and thinking "this can't be it forever, there's gotta be more than this," to googling 'how to turn yourself back on' and happening upon the Yoni Pleasure Palace - I've cried, screamed, healed, repeated some shitty behaviours just to learn the lesson twice, lost a business I poured so much into, gained friends, healed some more, and finally, finally done whatever TF I wanted. Oh...and I actually had an orgasm.
FINDING FULFILLMENT & FLOW
Understanding who we are as truly divine beings - and for me that's feminine, sensual, nurturing but not a mother, curiously creative, and deeply empathetic - allows us to draw in the tools needed to explore our truest selves and to express what we discover. The past 3 years have given me the space to take a deep dive into all things metaphysical that were niggling at the corners of my spirit for years.
Crystal admiration led me to the wonderful world of yoni eggs and helped remove any weirdness I felt around a healthy self-love practice {use code STELLALOVES for $10 off}. I learnt to trust my own womb and her whispers, how she had been alerting me to fake love and feral men for years! Tarot led me to surrendering to my intuition, which guided me to create fearlessly and *birth* a s*x and desire deck oracle game overnight!
I was 35 and felt like I was 18 for the first time. I was a late bloomer in the dating department so it's been beneficial for me to experience new love, new age gaps, new types, how to navigate children in relationships, boundaries without blockages for my big hungry heart, and evolving my expectations. Everything is surprising me and if it's raising a few eyebrows I don't care. I have been unfolding in the most beautiful ways, supported by self and spirit.
...what I know is this...
You don't have to be in a shiny new or perfect relationship, or come to the conclusion that you've succeeded in some kind of woke enlightenment, you just have to feel better - about yourself, in your body, within healthier habits - just feeling like you're in flow with life and doing what ignites inspiration deep within that life force you've allowed to diminish far too many fucking times.
I'm so grateful I had the courage to allow my all-but muted desire to finally speak, and my own ego to finally allow the listening. The dark knight of the soul is not for the faint-hearted that's for sure, but you'll be damned to not be more connected to your own voice and more courageous to speak it on the other side of it all. I salute you if your niggles are nagging for you to begin, if you're thick in the sludge of unbecoming, or if you're smiling in resonance of your own spiritual or sexual odyssey. When we wake to who we are, we allow others to do the same.
x
{use code STELLALOVES for $10 off Yoni Pleasure Palace}
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