Learning To Say Goodbye & Healing Even When It’s Hard
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Saying goodbye is something we will all have to do at some point in our lives. The nature of the world is to forbid things from continuing indefinitely. Eventually, everything changes and people move on. Therefore, it is our responsibility to best negotiate this aspect of reality for ourselves. It’s not going anywhere, so we need to find a way to come to terms with it. But what does that mean in practice? Well, it’s a tough one. Fortunately, we have wisdom, ritual, and tradition we can fall back on in times of need.
Start With Acceptance
The first step is to start with acceptance of what happened. That’s the idea that no matter how dreadful things seem to be, accepting what’s done is done is a way to move forward psychologically.
This process starts with accepting what faith traditions call the 'impermanence' of reality. Everything will eventually disappear, which is why refusal to accept things as they are can lead to a challenging and painful life.
“The story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye...until we meet again”
― Jimi Hendrix
Give Yourself Time
The next step is to give yourself time. Pressuring yourself to get back to work, hang out with friends, or even radically adapt to what’s happened after a tragedy or loss can be disruptive psychologically. Going through the motions as if nothing has happened isn’t feasible for most people and is likely to catch up with them eventually in some way - mentally, emotionally, or physically. The body keeps the score, after all.
Remember that everyone copes with life’s negative events at a different pace. While some people might be able to get on with their lives almost immediately, others struggle considerably. If that’s you, don’t put yourself under any pressure to get back to 'normal' straight away. You don’t have to and usually a new type of normal is birthed from such an event.
Celebrate New Beginnings
Taking the approach of celebrating new beginnings can also be extremely helpful in reframing pain and choosing to see the silver linings of fated events. When a friendship or relationship ends, for example, it doesn’t mean that it is the end of the story. Rather, it can become a new chapter for many people, enabling them to find joy and peace individually and even in new connections, jobs, or locations.
This is the attitude of many funeral directors when assisting you through the loss of your loved ones. The focus is on reflecting on the deceased’s life but also looking down the road ahead at what’s possible, at the legacy left behind, and our beloveds desire for us left behind to be happy in living on a good life.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a uniquely important two-fold action when it comes to coping and healing from loss, grief, or saying goodbye. While ruminating might be tempting, it is a source of considerable pain and can lead to mental health issues. So although asking for space, time, and respect from others is one way to set boundaries for others, holding yourself in the highest regard also asks you to hold yourself accountable with what you allow or do not allow to creep into your life - whether that be unhealthy habits, old addictions, or negative self talk and isolation.
Setting boundaries with yourself says that you won’t continue to indulge in negativity after it serves its purpose in the inevitable rollercoaster of emotions as we process pain. Being sad when you say goodbye is okay, but we shouldn’t allow it to damage our health or drain the joy out of our lives forever.
Focus On The Present
You can also say goodbye when it is hard by focusing on the present. When you consider your immediate sensations, they are often considerably better than what you imagine. Daily journaling, writing a gratitude list, scripting for what you desire, meditation, reiki healing, and talk therapy are all healing modalities you can incorporate into your life as a healthy coping mechanisms to remain grounded in the here and now and the life you are still here living. After all, most people suffer more in their heads than in reality, dipping into the past that we cannot change and worrying too much about the future that we cannot overtly control.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
- The Serenity Prayer
Take On Something New
Finally, it's often worth exploring new opportunities as a way to re-engage with the world at large, re-energize your passion and purpose, and deeply repair your joie de vivre. Taking on something new can revolutionize your perspective and help you see the bigger picture. You can replace focus on the thing that came before with concentration on something new, exciting, challenging, and tangible!
“Every meeting led to a parting, and so it would, as long as life was mortal. In every meeting there was some of the sorrow of parting, but in everything parting there was some of the joy of meeting as well.”
― Cassandra Clare